In this aching

In this aching

waking dream we live in

I love you is hardest thing to mean

I wait,

but waiting has no solace

my heart I polish for you

but will the stains wash out?

I won’t doubt you are worth it.

Reaching me through the void

and shadows

I cried out to you when they held me down

In the A and E ward I told them who you were

But like big cats don’t always purr

you are something to be worshipped

glorified and feared

If perfect love has no fear

it is love that has been realised

and actualised

I wait in the shadows

dancing in the dark

love is the flames not just the spark

to light my way…

My search has ended

My search has ended

When two worlds collided

I expected fireworks

but they burn away

Fiz pop and bang

then no longer are a thing.

I love you but colours fade

I love you

my deeper shade my midnight blue

I know this life’s a prison for some

but I love it’s sweet bitter agony

sometimes

it’s the loneliness I hate.

Raised by cartoon heroes

Here’s a hand here’s a slap

here’s life without a map

parents too busy discuss

never mind get to know their children and trust in them

stem the flow.

I was raised by cartoon heroes

and superhero shows

and the games I played

sonic on the mega drive I never strayed

from their ideals

but my happiness was stolen

by those who created my tears

I missed out on my parents knowing what I could have been if they had of listened through the years.

Disability

Tired in the daytime after having a good nights rest

being tested all the time by voices which are more than a pest

depressions iron curtains are coming down again

I am in the Misty mountains of pain which I climb daily

and my assailant is attacking me with delusions and fearful paranoia

I think the only hope is to battle with things that can destroy yah

I can sometimes withstand

But the terrible gravity of situation is hard for me to even understand…

I can’t be the man you want

No matter how you change the font

words stay the same

I know I am not your type, am I to blame?

I could be made of muscles with six pack and broad shoulder and arms of Steel

but I am not

I could be a scientist with a silver tongue eloquent or just very well hung

I am me there is only one version of myself

I can’t change

or rearrange

I realise my limitations

I won’t be able to perform and act as an imitation

I am who I am

Love me or let me go

for its you I love I know you know!

If I wasn’t depressed

I’d launch myself across the room

to collide with your lips

put my hands around your waist your hips

If I wasn’t depressed

I enjoy the simple things

a paper crown would make me feel like a king

I’d wrap up myself with smiles

I’d dress with style

if I wasn’t depressed I’d sing

songs wild and free

life would be love and not the sting

Of fear.

The God detective

The God detective

Through out my life my abstract mind has been able to detect and find patterns in life and the words people say. I know that life is a deeper mystery than people in the field of science and psychiatry think.
I have battled with my demons, demons which I still battle. I rattle the cage fight in the desperate stages and write in the pages of my own story. I maybe a dragon falling off the wagon of sanity. However I am intrigued by her she is the greatest story I will ever gain. I know her name is Sophia she is the girl with many faces.

I still see her sometimes though it’s strange the voices quieten and sometimes even stop. Is this a coincidence?

Art by Zoe Zass

Schizophrenia

This dreaming is dark

But I won’t lose my spark

sanity is a perspective

I don’t stand for the collective

the curtains I sit behind are walls

the fractured voice of someone I love calls

and tells me she hates and berates me

in the darkness of my mind

her unkindness

blinds me.

Binds me to the certainty that life is unfair

will it ever be repaired?

The stigma attached to me lies

the fire in my heart won’t die

and maybe I enlightened or frightened

of this form

since I was a daydreamer, after I was born

the storm of intrusive thoughts

the delusions in which I am caught

and I will argue that the stories I tell myself are yours too

you just aren’t boogie man blue

You think we are different

I am just medicated and irreverent

to this constructed reality

which you think is concrete

but where angels fear to tread I won’t retreat..,

I have loved you across lifetimes

Burning bright and resilient

burning and brilliant

I love yous unsaid

I held the key to heaven

in my right hand

it was to the back door

I broke into her house to tell her I loved her

I knew her across life times

I am in conversation with the goddess

now I am in distress

I love her nevertheless

she said she’d read all my poems

she speaks to me in my head

and tells me she hates me

but in songs she tells me she loves me sometimes

Sophia I hope you find your wisdom

and the key I threw away

I loved you across life times

did you know?

I just want to go home

Without you I am bird with broken wings

I cannot sing