Sometimes

Sometimes

The world goes on behind my window

I stare out into the suns glare

I wrap myself around my thoughts

and all that I have sought

do I still care?

Sometimes

I am broken beggar

trying to get a leg up

sometimes I want to say

words of meaning

am I still dreaming?

Sometimes

my hearts soft like paper

sometimes it’s hard like a diamond

fashioned with pressure and heat

sometimes I play my songs on repeat

hoping to make my way to someone’s smile on the street.

Sometimes

I bow to the dark

sometimes I look to the stars sparkling in the sky

sometimes I want to die

but I realise life is short

and I love my friends to much to make this life end

so my epitaph will say I loved until my world drifted away

but I left you my words and that’s more than ok.

You can’t imagine the things I have seen

You can’t imagine my dreams

you can’t think like me in every way

I am unique, I pave the way

I maybe distant

sometimes obtuse

I sometimes let loose

my fears and anger prangs

like a car hitting a wall

but I hold as much truth as you all

See I am schizophrenic

I hear voices

But don’t despair

I see choices

they hang in the air

I have been broken

I don’t expect you to always care

I doggedly battle on

Cause I still know right from wrong

even with whispers and shouts in my mind

I fight to be human and to be kind

Though I suffer with paranoia

the darkness which destroys

I love life enough to stay here and not be destroyed

so don’t have pity

Let me speak and write and sing

because I know sadness is a painful muse

but creativity is my thing.

I come from a lost home

I come from

A lost home

my psychosis at 16

two years of hell

Dad and mum threw me out

My roots broken

Then Living in hostel

With Creaking fire safe doors

council estate yellow bricks and concrete

Dirty mirky stained glass windows

looking out on the world

Not a church

where I would fashion ideals

But a place I could be at peace and reshape my soul

Even in a place which had a

scent of old burnt out cigarettes

Smokey stained furniture

like an old fashioned bed and breakfast

The kitchen smelt of convenience.

Packs of chicken and beef super noodles

Boiling in a pan.

This is where freedom started

Hope in the darkness

Grey days but sometimes occasional sun

Dance music blaring from my boom box

a CD player in my room

chemical brothers basement jaxx tracks

Paper and pen

Penning poems

finding myself

I still loved a girl called Becky

who didn’t love me

I gave up,drinking as my mental health was suffering

Giving up the poison

for my own piece of mind.

Skin Remembers

Scars won’t forget

Living life with habits and daily regrets

I lost you in the sands of time

only your voice remembered

like the days tender sunlit kiss

but my television brain won’t remember this

that it came to an end before it started

and those days are long time departed

the spark in my heart

won’t leave

this aches longing to breathe

but I cannot deceive myself in to thinking

we were anything but just friends

the hour grows late, I just pretend

I can’t send you that last message

that says this ends

because your voice haunts me

you are my tattoo, my scar.

Karma chameleon kid

Through the reds and blues

and all the different hues

do you stay true to yourself?

you spoke to me goddess with songs

what could go wrong?

I have many names

all of them insane

I tried to hide my calling

but I am forever falling

I am the shadow and the star

I love the way you feel from afar

muse these are the words I choose

I had the key to heaven I threw it away

sometimes you have to be what you seek

I have been watching your digital dreams

I know you possess this mind

I know you are unkind

but most people who know my real name

don’t want to admit that all the same.

Heaven is heartache

Heaven is heart ache

just beating in my chest

At least it’s still there

It gives me no rest.

I turned down a goddess in her underwear

just so I could play saviour

all my dreams made of paper

nightmares paper cuts

doomed to hear the words of sluts

Starving just to lap up leftovers up

I dream of being a hero

but I am fascinated by the villainess

the heroine is too much of a drug

I slug it out with my mind but depression is a thug

dominating my ever move

I love to dance but my song isn’t my groove

Boy in the corner

Boy in the corner
stares into space
boy in the corner
falls asleep what a disgrace
it’s school, lesson time
learning about life
Boy in the corner
Don’t you want a job and a wife?

teacher makes fun
boy in the corner
why are you a daydreamer?
or are you just dumb?
everyday there stare through you
you feel numb
sadness is the only way
to live your parents blame you
they blame each other
boy in the corner
you will soon have a sister and brother

Boy in the corner
its time for college
aren’t you glad
boy in the corner you lost your temper are you mad?
The question hangs in the air
boy in the corner
with hell in your head
Boy in the corner
you identify with Jesus but he’s dead

Boy in the corner
Now you’re in handcuffs
You told the police your him
in a police cell causing a din
they gave you your sins
told your sectioned
and need correction

Boy in the corner
taken to psychiatric hospital
in police wagon
facing the dragon that is insanity of life
you don’t want to eat
For fear of the devil inside your mind
Hated by yourself and unkind

The only way out is not believe your own lies
Boy in the corner
You will your right your wrongs
Boy in the corner you are strong
Stay strong in the character you have chosen
your heart is hot not frozen

Boy in the corner you will climb that mountain
Experience that kiss
Love that woman
you will come through this
boy in the corner
Your heart is fierce
boy in the corner
You are man
you will make the haters understand.

The four corners of a page

The forgotten rage

the tenderness of a kiss

all get written on these blank pages

the journal I write

to set my emotions a light

epiphanies and realisations

new sensations

became metaphors

that open doors

similes that create smiles with ease

I am the pen tangled with the page

I am the rhymes written to take to the stage

and music arrives

to create vibes raps and hip hop

don’t stop

write and keep writing

the only way from here

is the place we touch in our minds eye

the soul is wet and it’s ink

let’s sink further still

for we have the will

to be better

love letters

to our creativity.

Love in the midst of pain

In the midst of pain

lies love

that shields us

it sustains our hopes and dreams

it doesn’t silence sadness

but let’s us open up

we all drink from a cup of love

even if sometimes feels

like it’s a small fairy cup

we won’t give up our longing

for people and places

faces that smile warmth

even in the darkest of stories

love shines through

it gives us happiness sometimes

and gives us unwavering faith to keep going

the seed of our growth

bitterness and hatred

aren’t the abating of love

they are merely the twisted distortions

of love

and if we understood that

we would once again understand

that love can save us all just reach out your hand.