Tag Archives: funny

One day I might live up to being a toy character (spoken word poem)

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One day I might live up to being a toy character

out of paw patrol

or hey dougie

A wizard or witch who has mastered the

art of magic

instead of tragic

rock star

or a burnt out old poet

maybe I will be reincarnated as Pegasus

to fly on by

in the clear blue sky

with fluffy clouds

one day I might be a superhero of my own making

in a graphic novel

or a saviour of person trapped in a hovel

I am definitely in awe

of people who aren’t bores

what are we if we can’t dream

of being better?

and writing our own stories and letters

to our imagination.

I have a few questions

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Do vampires get tooth decay?

Do werewolves get fleas?

Do zombies have to use prosthetic knees?

Do fairy tale princesses always say please?

Can witches have white weddings?

What do mummies have for their bedding?

Do Orcs have to shave?

Do angels ever misbehave?

What is a goblin’s average height?

And do ever they get tall?

Do giants ever start off small?

I’d like to ask these questions

If you have some thoughts or suggestions,

Please get in touch

My address is;

1 The Wizards tower

rainbow close

Fairy land.

Ha 2YU

A flipping marvellous Pancake poem

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Pancake pancake why won’t you mix?
Pancake pancake why do you stick?
Pancake pancake why don’t you go to plan?
Pancake pancake why do you get burnt in the pan?

Pancake pancake this should have been fun
pancake pancake why do you run
when you’re stuck to the ceiling it’s no fun

Pancake pancake I would have had you with lemon and syrup
but I am laughing and crying so much I have got the hiccups.

Grumpa (about a Grumpy Grandfather)

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Grumpa

Sitting in your old arm chair,

With a devil may care,

Attitude.

Talking about the ingratitude

Of youth.

Watching TV,

Eating microwaveable meals,

Grumpa,

I still love you,

I remember the times when I was young,

and you helped me,

when I was stung,

by a wasp,

or fell over.

Life is hard,

it makes you,

grumpy and 

lonely,

Please think of the things you’ve shown me,

Rather than talking about the things that make you despair

I know behind the passive aggression you still care,

I know I sometimes take the Mick,

But really Grumpa,

I can see all your tricks,

There is still, to my surprise,

magic behind those eyes,

And bedtime stories waiting to be read.

Grumpa, 

Don’t lose the thread 

We all need a grandfather like you,

For you have all the experience,

You will know what to do!

When Facebook…

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When Facebook is filled with memes

broken pictures and shattered dreams

when you respond with a haha like

but no one recognises your plight

when they are too busy finding out their character is that of a potato

and you get ignored but don’t hate though

when they share posts like who would narrate your life

and you want to get out of that conversation because it probably be piers Morgan and his wife

remember you chose to live on Facebook and be a troll

and life is out your door and off your phone which is sucking away your soul.

The villain

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The villain

I am so nasty

people stand aghast

I am so bad

you feel a draft

on a summers day

murderous glances pave the way

I am sick, I am ill

babe with every hero it’s a battle of wills

I am so abrasive

I am like invasive surgery

I am so evil I burn bibles and call it purgatory

the devil herself could learn from me

I want pounds of flesh so burn with me

I am deathly shade

stalking the sun

I am the nightmare

in the night you run

I am evil

I told you to die

but chances are you’re petrified

I am so dishevelled

I make Darth Sidious look sprightly

Sith Lords can’t fight me

With just one flick of my fingers

and death lingers

I am psychologically deranged

so psychopathically strange

you wondered if I was ever sane

I just got back from Frankenstein’s lab

I killed the hulk yes I am that strong and bad

I framed Sherlock Holmes

and made him into an heroin addict

cause all my plays our that strategic

I even cheat death

in fact I own Azrael’s blade

I am villain, the one you crave.

Tescoland

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Tescoland

Give me some answers

and some supermarket vouchers

I have been saving my points

I don’t want to fall on my aching joints

I hope supermarket flowers don’t disappoint

the girl I love.

I am going to Tescoland

Tescoland ahhhhh ohhhhh

that magical place

watch a child’s face light up in the toy aisle

I want to sit in the gadget zone giving style

I hope you like my range

my style I am going to Tescoland

ahhhh ohhhhh

just loving the value beans

supermarket cider

I am getting wider by the minute

eating snacks

and chocolate from and green and blacks

I am stacking those socks and boxer shorts

In my basket

Hoping I can fill my casket

with all I have bought

from Tescoland

I hope you understand

I am buying my heaven

Buying fresh cream from Devon

I am going to Tescoland

where there are trolleys

and checkout dollies

I am finding some cocktail brollies

to impress my mates

I going there in a state

after getting drunk as a skunk monkey

I am going to dance with a security guard

and hopefully not get arrested

In Tescoland.

Cave man stylee parody

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Cave man stylee parody

However some of this is true, I don’t know know some of these things and I should… I do believe in women’s rights I treat women with respect but I am ignorant of many of the issues they face. This was inspired by looking at some of the ugly girls club poetry from the Brighton fringe.

I could support women and their rights

But periods frighten me

and I know nothing about my own biology.

has it come to this?

I am a man it’s not cool to pay attention in sex Ed class at school

women are sexy

but they vex me

I know nothing about contraception

I know more about call of duty

but the women are on mutiny against me

and flowers won’t heal the rift

chocolates are a gift

but they won’t lift my sisters mood

She’s right Aggy

I came from a vagina

But I don’t know how pregnancy works

it’s sperm and egg isn’t it?

I need to be taken down a peg or two

I imagine childbirth is really hard to do

and that’s not flippant or funny

I don’t know how to chat women up

So I just talk about the weather being sunny

I am man I know how to blow things up including footballs

I walk tall

but I know nothing about abortion

I live in a distortion

a male dominated world

I know girls

and women

but will they be forgiving

for me not knowing this stuff

I know I can’t bluff

anymore…