Tescoland

Tescoland

Give me some answers

and some supermarket vouchers

I have been saving my points

I don’t want to fall on my aching joints

I hope supermarket flowers don’t disappoint

the girl I love.

I am going to Tescoland

Tescoland ahhhhh ohhhhh

that magical place

watch a child’s face light up in the toy aisle

I want to sit in the gadget zone giving style

I hope you like my range

my style I am going to Tescoland

ahhhh ohhhhh

just loving the value beans

supermarket cider

I am getting wider by the minute

eating snacks

and chocolate from and green and blacks

I am stacking those socks and boxer shorts

In my basket

Hoping I can fill my casket

with all I have bought

from Tescoland

I hope you understand

I am buying my heaven

Buying fresh cream from Devon

I am going to Tescoland

where there are trolleys

and checkout dollies

I am finding some cocktail brollies

to impress my mates

I going there in a state

after getting drunk as a skunk monkey

I am going to dance with a security guard

and hopefully not get arrested

In Tescoland.

Cave man stylee parody

Cave man stylee parody

However some of this is true, I don’t know know some of these things and I should… I do believe in women’s rights I treat women with respect but I am ignorant of many of the issues they face. This was inspired by looking at some of the ugly girls club poetry from the Brighton fringe.

I could support women and their rights

But periods frighten me

and I know nothing about my own biology.

has it come to this?

I am a man it’s not cool to pay attention in sex Ed class at school

women are sexy

but they vex me

I know nothing about contraception

I know more about call of duty

but the women are on mutiny against me

and flowers won’t heal the rift

chocolates are a gift

but they won’t lift my sisters mood

She’s right Aggy

I came from a vagina

But I don’t know how pregnancy works

it’s sperm and egg isn’t it?

I need to be taken down a peg or two

I imagine childbirth is really hard to do

and that’s not flippant or funny

I don’t know how to chat women up

So I just talk about the weather being sunny

I am man I know how to blow things up including footballs

I walk tall

but I know nothing about abortion

I live in a distortion

a male dominated world

I know girls

and women

but will they be forgiving

for me not knowing this stuff

I know I can’t bluff

anymore…

It’s snow joke ❄️☃️

It’s snow joke
when the busses stop
when you’re snowed under
when the beast from the east
has stopped your feast
cause Tesco shelves are stripped bare
and your sat in bed in a coat
cause your heating is broke
and your water pipes are frozen
and your route to work is closed
trains are stationary
and you have a feeling this should of happened in January
instead of March and it’s scary
snowball fights and snowmen are the only things you can do
and wellingtons boots are the new correct shoes
but you’ve got a Birthday party to get to on foot
oh shoot you might say
Let’s pray the snow goes away soon
or there might be a snowball riot
Nobody will keep quiet about them doing it better in other countries
but I suppose its not a surprise for them for it to fall so heavily.

Humbugness

When the ghosts of Christmas’s past
won’t go, they just laugh
at all your efforts for this Christmas time
the air freshener scent of pine
won’t hide the smell of sprouts
there is a sense of disbelief and doubt
that Santa’s eaten your mince pies
you are so stressed your eye has a stye
you got put on the naughty list
the mistletoe has run out, so you won’t get kissed
you have a friend who can’t make it who will be missed
when the kids are driving you spare
you have run out of underwear
your socks are more holy than the carols being sung at church
your partner has broke up with you and left you in the lurch
so they don’t have to buy you any presents
you feel like an unlucky pheasant
because the shop assistant is being less than pleasant
remember the year will begin again
and spring time will soon be here.338E4957-BF09-4C53-9D47-412652068159