Songs in psychosis Bio 1

Chemical brothers

Setting sun (setting – grave yard 2003)

Delusions sometimes come in the form of songs. This Chemical Brothers song “Setting sun” takes me back to the September of 2003. My father had been admitted into a psychiatric hospital after a painful (for all concerned) separation from my Mum. I have been facing my own battles as I had been diagnosed schizophrenic only 2 years before. it was a hugely stressful time for me and I had also fallen out with a friend and potential love interest.

In the early September the sun was still shining and is still warm but the leaves were starting to change to a brown tint the promise of autumn chill was on it’s way. All the stress of that and the fact I had with my Psychiatrist’s consent looked to come off my medication. Made me not only depressed but in a rapid cycling spiral like one of those leaves rising and falling with my mood like that leaf upon the wind. There was no way to escape the onset of psychosis and I hurtled towards my fate like a steam train with no brakes speeding towards a signal which was coloured neon red.

In those days I lodged with my boss Dave who had taken me in after my various troubles and dramas with my illness. Anyway he had his Mum staying I remember waking up to strange smells probably forms of smell that were delusions I believed i had heightened sense and my messiah or Jesus complex was rearing it’s ugly head. My Psychosis took me out on Sunday afternoon stroll to the graveyard on the hill by our old victorian gothic style church. Me being me decided in my psychotic state decided that me being Jesus should raise the dead from their graves. This was after I saw that some of the graves had been vandalised. I remember lifting one the head stones back on to it’s other piece I have no idea how I managed to do this. Maybe it was the adrenalin or the chemical imbalance in my brain and body.

I prayed to father God to restore these spirits to their bodies. It of course didn’t happen and made me feel even worse. When you are ill you cannot tell the difference between fantasy and reality. Maybe I was being tested. After praying many times I gave up and laid myself in the corner of the graveyard out of the way from the passers by. I thought I was Jesus and that lead me down the path of being extremely paranoid of being found out and killed. I believed that anyone with the powers of God would be a threat to governments and the people and they would try to suppress or kill me!

I laid with my left arm clutching my stomach and my right arm holding a blade that I imagined in my mind. It felt like my world was ending and I wanted to die. Thats the type of mental pain psychosis brings. The cavernous lows of being buried in the cave of your mind so soon after thinking you have super powers and can raise the dead. I had real reasons to feel this way having seen my Dad struggling with psychosis as well and being medicated. There is nothing worse than being trapped in stressful situations only that of being trapped in your own unkind mind which vilifies you for not being good enough to be human let alone a god.

I had nothing left to give life and the people I loved but the sacrifice of my body and soul I would lay on the grass still dry from the summer sun and die…

However some one answered my prayers to God his dog was the first to come up to me and he gingerly followed. His name was Jon although I believed he was the devil come to tempt me. He asked me who I was and I swear to you even through the years that have passed one of the things I said was “That my body was young but my mind was very old” this was in line with what I had been taught mostly at Sunday school at my local church. Jesus was after all the word of god and had existed throughout time. Maybe if you read the lyrics at the bottom of this blog you will see that lyrics show the devil saying that rather than Jesus but maybe Jesus and the devil are in fact one and the same after all lucifer and Jesus both are bringers of light and gods favourite sons. Anyway I digress.

Me and John talked for a long time and I had visions like the song said. Maybe when you are mad or in madness there can be seen some truth in the insanity that is the world we live in. He I soon realised was very drunk and when he took me to his house down the road to get some help for me his partner who was a nurse and was very drunk also they offered me some alcohol. They didn’t know my back story and thought I was high on drugs.

Eventually Dave and Phil (my friend and neighbour arrived after they managed to get me to remember Dave’s home phone number but Jon and Liz thought there was something dodgy about my friends maybe it was the fact that I was acting so irrationally and that the situation was out of hand. But I am thankful that after an hour of speaking to Phil and Dave they let me go with them. I am also thankful to Jon the good samaritan for his help that day because If he hadn’t of found me I don’t know what would have happed later on with me in that state.

However this part is probably down to Jon being drunk but her swore that he saw a black blade in my hand when he found me and thought that with me clutching my stomach that I stabbed myself…

You’re the devil in me I brought in from the cold

You said your body was young but your mind was very old

You’re coming on strong and I like the way

The visions we had have faded away

You’re part of a life I’ve never had

I’ll tell you that it’s just too bad

You’re coming on strong

You’re showing your colour

Like a setting sun

Where do I begin

Sunday morning I’m waking up

Can’t even focus on a coffee cup

Don’t even know who’s bed I’m in

Where do I start

Where do I begin

Sunday morning I’m waking up

Can’t even focus on a coffee cup

Don’t even know who’s bed I’m in

Where do I start

Where do I begin

Where do I start

Where do I begin

Sunday morning I’m waking up

Can’t even focus on a coffee cup

Don’t even know who’s bed I’m in

Where do I start

Where do I begin

Where do I start

Where do I begin

In love a warring couple both get called the devil

In the heart aching,shifting
in loves breaking, gifting
In my torn out drifting
of graveyard games
in the Devils tormented names.

Freedoms cut loose
you fight, you don’t fit your obtuse
renegade spitting spirit
Locked out of heaven again
a couple of lovebirds fallen short
In loves painful name calling game

She is a raven
he is a saviour
he is a raven
she is his saviour.

Love can save the boy in his heart
but the warrior enjoys solitude
In the dragon’s cave
can he break her curse
and make it worth
her loving her him
and him loving her.

For we all need to love beyond skin
this aching and burning lies within

Asking Alexandria

You say you are the devil
Is she in your eyes?
Cold like black ice
Starless skies.

why did you wound yourself with all those scars?
Did you make a third of the stars fall from the sky?
I want to help you but they take you away
this is a prison not a hospital so you say
you said you possess people, anyone you want
I am stuck with a voice inside my head
is it yours?

I once wanted to escape to heaven
through a back door
if Love is key why can’t I free you from the curse
Love is chains which bind me, grind me down
I want to ask you if I could be your friend but I am a clown

I am the hound which guards your gates
I am Cerberus one head in the past
One in the present who waits
One in who looks to the future and doesn’t hesitate
devil or woman I want you to free
but Love is only real love if we both can free?

They call it white lightening

They call it white lightening

I down you so fast it’s frightening

I often wonder on the consequences

the thunder if not restrained deafens me sequentially

blurred vision and stomach acid

I cannot restrain the panic and feel placid

are you my really my Dutch courage?

as you ravage my life force and cause discourse

Bad decisions and unsafe sexual intercourse

my money is gone like my dreams

Distant dreams but my sadness screams

in surround sound and high definition

I have pressed the fuck it button I gave myself permission…

The nightmare man

Staring at crosses as you run from the church
They won’t find you down dale or over birch
Your hidden
Life ridden with guilt
No matter the blood spilt
On your behalf
and from your body
You will never find peace
Eternal unrest
Guardian to the place where sleeping angels lie
You struggle for the will not to die but to fade
But your caught in the harrowing hades shades
Reborn into a place where the vampires know your name
They say they worship you but their eyes pierce you with blame
the people who don’t acknowledge you better people than your followers
Who want heaven and followers for themselves
Your book they say lines people’s shelves
But it’s not really your story
It’s been rewritten so many times
To form chains and bind
Your children within
They say everything you do is a sin
Original sin you cannot win
the devil your misinformed
The on coming storm
you’d save your twin but she probably hates you for what you’ve done
Ideological war fare
You live your life trying to follow your own rules
Ignoring the fact you were born someone else
You wished for the secret of the universe
To converse with god
It’s a shame he is you and you are them
You cannot stem the suffering
Or Break your chains

The mirror (possession)

The mirror

The antique mirror which was your late great aunts
Stands before you and plants, an image in your head
A frozen image of woman not unlike yourself but with white pupils
Without an iris just a spot,like a dot of ink on a page
The image shimmers until all you can see is you again although you are feeling strange.
But you look again and your eyes have turned
White, your body your frame is racked with pain
As you feel nails break and black claws burst free of cuticles
You lose you balance and fall grabbing your stomach
You don’t know what happening an your terrified not just flummoxed
Panic sets in as skin and bone crack
Metamorphosis is not holding back
As your feet and talons burst through your dainty high heels
To reveal huge hideous monster toes and claws on show
Your legs are growing too not showing signs of slowing either
As your breaths become more and more sudden
You roll about the floor
Your clothes tear at the seams
You’re becoming a monster like in those horror movie scenes
Legs break and bend like an animal on tip toes
Your back arches and cracks as your spine shows
Then your spine extends as you scream
A tail has formed writhing and waggling out of control
Animal instincts start to take over your soul
Horns sprout from your skulls temple
As your screams become mental
Your teeth grow sharp your tongue extends
Your face becomes a muzzle you growl
You can smell every scent in the air
As your nickers tear
You howl a lustful howl as hairs stand on end
and grow into fur as you roar a beastly roar
Cursed you want more
Flesh lust and craving
No one is safe from your beastly self
We are all meat to you on a consumers shelf.