Strange child blues

I used to talk to god in the dark wilds of my grans cupboard under the stairs

I used to walk around the playground looking for friends just getting blank glares

I used to think god was a man but it’s probably a goddess I was looking for

I used to think I had the key to heavens door,

I broke into her house looking to talk some more

I used to want to be last messenger of god but the girl with many faces needs someone else

I have walked through the white corridors of mental asylums

I have been a child trying to find her

She left me clues

this is the haunted man once a strange child blues.

Panic attack

The breathing, needing distance

Panic attack insistence

beating against the ribs bones and skin

I cannot escape I am chased within

By the a hound I cannot see

It’s agony

My breathing speeds up

I lose my voice

I fear the destroyer of peace of mind

I am the death of kindness

and insistent

to cause such pain

I am agony and fear like death

I am agony and lack of breath

The eternity ring

Of all the things that sting

is that I know your future life

It grates to know that I wait

for this is my last one

I am overcome with sadness I am undone

as we talk at cross purposes

What loneliness and hurt this is

I promised you that I’d wait for ever as your best friend

but love shatters like glass in the end

You are my mirror…

The ghost child of the man in the asylum

In side the beaten white walls of an mental institution

where people go to be uprooted from their delusions

Sat a man his hand outstretched as if holding hands with the dark

No spark to light his way, only the tragic marks his way

he used to play childish games by himself

look they say where is his mental health?

has it left him altogether why does his play childish games

he would call a name on the wind

for the child he lost unbeknown to them

Tilly or Matilda the ghost of a child of six

who he held in his arms before he was sick

she swallowed her tongue in an epileptic fit

but before then were eye spy and guessing games

before then were pin the tale on the donkey and blind mans buff

I guess we are all in a way sheltering memories like ghosts

In the places in the heart we hide

which we can never move away from no matter how we stride

or how many steps we take

life is sometimes an evil fate.

To die at sixteen

All your dreams never started

dearly departed

That’s how I felt

Kneeling on a hospital floor praying to you

to save my life

you are my goddess of wisdom

my teeth going rotten

like the dreams I had as a child

it’s heart wrenching

my parents said my psychosis

was a bereavement

the life intended, lost

I had to be mended there would be a cost

goddess of the universe, girl with many faces

I have been through a war with myself

but my mental health

is the thing I can never get back

but sometimes their are cracks of light through the wall

I know the goddess understands us all.

New Beginnings

As the old years cards fold

and we are dealt a new hand

when we’d give anything to understand

Fate’s plan.

we have to make as much as we can

Of our lucky stars

and hard work

whether lord or lady or office clerk

we hold the keys to doors unseen

we must follow our dreams

or facilitate the dreams

of our children

and even when

our cards are a bad hand

we can take the odds

and sods

and ask for help

for love is stealth

and it can over come

so don’t be glum

turn over new leaves

Life is better lived

when we move forward and breathe in new air

The colours that bleed into one

The rainbow becomes white light

All we love we long for and fight with

pages torn, we try to forgive

and live on.

The anger we once held

falls away in the cold light of day

We preach to the pavements

that people walk on,

they point the way

chalk quotations written on and on

can’t you tell?

Love is the only sanity

the only truth we lean upon.

Hope bends like a trees branches

but the light on the river still dances

we flow like water

whether sons or daughters

we catch the light that’s brought us here

pigeon toed we may walk

The road the pavement goes on

Serenaded by destiny’s song

we are the children of the roads

we walk.

But for every rainbow

There is a price

living each day as it comes

and fighting to not be numb

but when all is said done

We are our shades

the river water the blades of grass

heaven has always been here no need to ask

grab my hand feel it’s warmth

in the chill cold air

I know you care

when you clasp my hand in yours

I know life the great teacher will settle the scores

and for all it’s flaws

it still has the power to open jaws.

The narcissist trap

I stare at my phone screen

dreaming, scheming

I need constant attention

what a wonderful invention

I need likes and comments

I can write sonnets

to myself

in my Instagram posts

I can puff my chest and boast

but all my dreams are toast

I am narcissus staring at my reflection

on further inspection

I only love myself

and this phone is an extension of me

I shouldn’t choose to die

but this life is self absorbed lie.